By comparision Friday, Oct 1 2010 

So, i spent a good hour on listening into a podcast on psychology. It is my childhood love, and something i thought i will naturally pursue as i get older. Now, older i am, but the path i am embarking on seems endlessly bleak and unforgiving. I forgot what made me happy, i could not believe in happiness and more importantly, i rather be unhappy than experience fleeting and unreal sense of happiness.

What went wrong? I’d love to know.

In any case, back to the podcast. It was fundamentally about the linkage between neurology and psychology. The lecturer went into the physical aspects of our brain, that was intriguing, but didn’t interest me as much as what he said about love, happiness and sadness. Love is complexity, for the lack of a better word. He mentioned that you cannot feel love, in the same manner you feel happiness and sadness. In this prospective, happiness and sadness seem so much more endearing. They are feelings which are to-the-point and as much as they swing on different sides of the pole, they don’t confuse you. I didn’t though of things in this manner before, now it makes so much sense.

At least, rationally speaking.

Bulimia Tuesday, Sep 14 2010 

You live on a feeling, a particular feeling which feeds the very fundamentals of your existence. You seek no second being to understand your fiery desire to feast on this feeling when the time is right and ripe. You know how it started, it was a vanity contest between you and your imaginary friends. They are imaginary like that because friends don’t let friends devour themselves under an uncontrolled environment before a verbal agreement. They take no qualms in kicking you out of the circle when they hold small talks on buying the Bottega Veneta bangle you all set your eyes on earlier in the week. You are too fat to carry it out anyway. They have no idea how much it hurts, haunts and grow. You are planted with a simple idea that you have to get smaller for bigger things in life. Bigger things like a pair of ill-fitting size 23 jeans, the sick pleasure when people start telling you to eat and more importantly, this feeling you feed on subsequently to survive.

You don’t have to know what feeling it is right now, because when it comes, you will. And when it does come, you will learn how consumingly dark your little galaxy is. But that does not matter then, because you will be too obsessed seeking for the little contentment you can get, hopefully every minute, for being the smallest in the circle. This feeling is an intricate compound by itself. You can never try to disorient its structure or fondle with the thought of breaking it up altogether. It is as unstable as hell, the way it is meant to be. It can collapse your very being without a whimper, it can create the strongest facade in no time and it seeps control from you the same way you feed on its existance.

Cuts And Burns Sunday, Aug 15 2010 

I have this vision of attaining a happier state of mind through the reconstruction of very specific flaws on her physical self. By day and by night, i would stay vigilant in my ill-lighted cubicle scrutinizing her pictures. It worries me a little now and then that the pictures might come to life on their own. What if the smaller of the asymmetrical eyes wink at me? What if she decides to turn her enormous nose up in disdain of my obsessive behavior? What if i saw her bulky legs move a little, who do i turn to?

I think it terrifies me. Not by the weirdness of the situation, but the ugliness she displayed.

PET PEEVE Tuesday, Jul 6 2010 

The precision of his observations is magnificient. I have never met an individual with so heavy a heart and so clouded a mind, an individual whom despite all of that, knows how to love another above himself. It’s a little daft and irrational, but uncontrollable at its best. We cannot afford to devote ourselves too much to such blind emotion though.

That’s why, most people only truly love once.

Perfect Murder Wednesday, Jun 30 2010 

I was in the showers yesterday night when the thought just got put into my head. It is futile and redundant to get involve in persistent questioning of moral values now. There’s a slight difference with my moral compass, difference i say. Not a functionality issue. Point is, in the dimensions of my head, i start to wonder what’s a perfect murder. I believe in perfection in certain things in life, only if it involves elaborated calculations, predictions and character analysis. Of course, they have to be executed timely. As well.

I am not able to spill my perfect plot for murder right here – too many eyes. But the best way to stage a murder is with your victim. Confused just yet? Let your victim see no light in life, find fear in living and seek solace in death. Make your want their need. Play mind games with the inadequate. Kid-play for the malnourished. Then, offer a multitude of methods for your prey. Be the utmost considerate and thoughtful.

Lure, tempt then enjoy the gore.

Hunger Friday, Jun 18 2010 

The time apart made us develop nothing sort of a beastly hunger for each other. It wasn’t made clear aloud, but deep inside we know as vividly as each other where the line sets in between a need and a want.

White room Friday, Jun 18 2010 

We smile in politeness, in appreciation of the questioning party’s concern and care. It wasn’t an affirmative smile, more like a smile keen on distraction. The projectile path of our multiple behaviours might be incomprehensible and insane, but no, it follows quite an adorable trend. It reflects a little more than just survival instincts, malfunctioned moral compasses, individualism, magnified worldly desires and unacceptable hierarchy shifts. What’s interesting, is the change per se.

“Everything is the way it is because everything was the way it was”

We all want a little bacon. Wednesday, Jun 16 2010 

The first rays of the faithful day are unsurprisingly overwhelmed by the apparent morning gloom. She has taken the liberty to put on her favorite sweater and slap on a layer or two of refined make-up. She checks on her mobile, then his mobile. It is a gross habit at that, and she knows he is the best keeper of the darkest secrets. It wouldn’t gain her a penny or half, it wouldn’t make her a notch happier or half.

But a woman got to do what she ought to do.

twenty, ten Thursday, May 20 2010 

I am absolutely not keen in reliving yesteryear. Cheating episodes, heartbreaks, failing health, bell’s palsy, lousy birthday, horrible academic year, useless sacrifices, wasted youth and the list goes on. I reckon there’s this much comfort i can get by voicing it all out here, but a little is better than none.

I want to be normal too.

BUG Saturday, May 8 2010 

The Gods are angry, the skies are gloomy.

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